Admitted Essay for Hamilton College: Essay Review

With Only So Many Words To Express Themselves, Students Often Find College Essays Difficult To Write…

This is especially true when students are asked one of the most common college essay prompts: why this college? In this article, we’ll analyze a personal statement that helped a student get admitted to Hamilton College. We’ll give you the expert breakdown of what makes this essay work, where it could shine even more, and how you can apply this advice to your own essay.

An Admitted Essay For Hamilton College

Why do you want to attend Hamilton College?

“Hamilton College is a liberal arts college set apart from its peers. The interactions that I have had with Hamilton faculty and alumni have shown me that Hamilton is a place where I will be challenged intellectually to explore ideas more deeply and share those ideas with greater sophistication than I ever have. Hamilton’s open curriculum and commitment to exquisite writing would provide me with the opportunity to try many different disciplines while developing the ability to communicate with others well. This experience would make me a more effective intellectual because I will have gained a broad base of skills that are transferable to any endeavor. In my conversations with Ms. Phyllis Breland she has shown me that Hamilton is a place where I will be supported by a network of people who all wish to see me reach my greatest potential. Hamilton has the resources necessary to support a student in any endeavor as long as he or she is willing to work hard. The immersive study abroad program in France that Hamilton supports has a reputation for being one of the best in the world as well as one of the oldest. Because of Hamilton’s requirement for students to take classes taught in French I would develop a deep mastery of the language that would not occur otherwise. This is a unique opportunity that few other colleges could offer. My experiences at Hamilton have proven to me that it is a place where I can thrive.”

Our Expert Review

Immediately, the student begins to answer the question posed by the prompt in-depth and with personal detail. In general, answering the prompt as soon as possible results in the best essay. Here, the student goes to great lengths to emphasize why they’re excited to potentially attend Hamilton College and why the education they would receive can’t be found anywhere else. The personal statement is brief due to the word count requirement, but the student spends the time to make sure their knowledge of Hamilton and the type of education offered there goes beyond the surface points one would find on their website. They also connect these offerings back to their own passions and interests.

Throughout the essay, the student also references their past experiences with Hamilton College and its alumni. Not only do they use these experiences to connect to their own passions and dreams, but they also help the student more fully answer the question posed by the prompt: why Hamilton College?

Yet even in this excellent essay, there is room for the student to better present themselves.

While the language, style, and structure of the essay do work, further revision could help it read with more clarity and emotional strength. Better word choice and work toward developing a smoother reading flow would help this student better showcase why they are drawn to Hamilton College. Overall, while this essay is excellent, it could have benefited from one more draft before being sent out.

How To Apply This Advice To Your Own College Essays

GO INTO DETAIL

With so much information available on the web, students have the opportunity to get into detail about what draws them to a school beyond just the culture and program offerings. Your essay should go beyond surface details too - perhaps you’re drawn to the ideas of a particular professor rather than just their major, or you want to participate in the college’s historic debate team due to your own fierce love of debate. When you get into detail about what the school has to offer that would help you nurture your passions and hone your talents, you show the ability to put your education to good use.

• Name one specific feature that draws you to this college. How can you relate this back to your own passions, talents, interests, or goals?
• Could your essay apply to any number of schools in the area? How can you make your essay more specific?

FOCUS ON FLOW

One way to make your personal statement stand out is to focus on the flow and structure of the essay. A great way to do this is to read your essay out loud during the revision process. This helps you catch words, phrases, and sometimes even entire sentences that feel out of place or too wordy.

In addition, your essay should flow in a logical order as well. In this essay, the student starts off strong and builds on their ideas, yet begins to flip back and forth between their past experiences and their potential future at Hamilton at dizzying speed. A further revision would help this student rearrange a few sentences in a more logical order, combining to have a huge effect on the way the essay reads.

• How does your essay sound when read out loud?
• Do your sentences flow together logically? Do you build on each idea in order, or do you jump around making several points at once?
• Are you making use of words with strong emotional connotations to help bridge ideas together?

REVISE YOUR ESSAY

This student’s essay, while it answers the prompt, could benefit from further revision. Many students believe they don’t have to edit their essays at all; or if they do, they only go over it once to proofread. The best college applications have been read through and revised several times, often with the help of trusted outsiders who can go over the essay with a fresh set of eyes. Therefore, make it point to revise each of your essays at least once, if not several times. When you believe you’re satisfied with what you have, ask your college counselor to look over it. Often, they’ll help you improve in ways you may have never thought of!

If you struggle with the revision phase, printing out your essay can be a game-changer. Not only will you have room to make colorful notes, the change from screen to paper can help take your brain off autopilot, helping you catch mistakes and flex your creativity.

• Who can you reach out to in order to take your essay to the next level?
• Can you expand upon any ideas to showcase my talents, abilities, or accomplishments?
• Are you fully answering the prompt, or do you need to be more direct?

Refining Your Personal Statement Is Worth It

Taking the time to carefully structure your essay and revise it several times can pay off with admission into your dream school. After all, it’s extremely rare for the first draft of anything to be the best draft.

However, it’s important to remember: It’s hard to get a fresh perspective on something you never walk away from.

After you write your essay and between each round of revisions, let yourself focus on other things for at least a few hours, preferably a few days. While you hang out with friends or focus on other parts of your applications, the gears in the back of your head will be turning over the ideas you wrote in your essay. When you return to revise again, you’ll often find yourself with more ideas than you did during the first draft!

Of course, sometimes it can be difficult to find the right idea to answer a prompt even during the first draft. No matter what phase of the college essay writing process you’re in, our WeAdmit counselors have been in your shoes before and would love to offer a helping hand. We’ll work with you to not only refine your personal statements, but through any other part of the college process that you find yourself having trouble with!